Diary Of @aiujoesha: I just write about what I should write ..

You know what I truly despise about us humans? We look at a person but we don’t really see them.

It’s just so frustrating sometimes when i meet new people and notice how all they care ..
What the hell? What happened to actually getting to know the person? Talking and connecting to them? Life-experiences and all that?

While growing up I’ve been subjected to both, wealth and the false respect that comes with it and being batshit poor - as in empty fridge in the middle of the month and no money for better fitting clothes kind of poor. My childhood was a rollercoaster ride with ups and downs, with parents who went from image focused and distant to neglective and borderline abusive at times.
I learned to cherish the few things I had and what is really important. And let me tell you, its not what you own. Its the little things that make you smile, those few moments you cherish till the end of time. That’s whats important. And nothing else.
But I also learned to fake it, to pull up a wall between my emotions and the outside world. I was a sensitive and empathetic child, I cared and I was nice and respectful and all that, I was a good little girl who did as she was told even if she didn’t understand why she wasn’t allowed to be like all the other kids.

You want to know what happens to children like that when they have to grown up too fast and way too early, when they have a family but don’t know what that’s supposed to mean? when kindness is something they’ve never received? When friendship is something that “just ain’t worth it” because trust is just a five letter word to us?

They learn to hide who they truly are and to NOT GIVE A DAMN.

Doesn’t mean we don’t care or don’t feel. We’ve learned to ignore those feelings, to smile and maybe smirk, to joke and to lie. We’re suspicious and always expect the worst. We walk away before others can, we burn bridges because it’s easier that to have faith in others. We forgive but never forget. We don’t know how to trust and sometimes we don’t even want to try. Sometimes we say sorry for things that don’t need apologizing.
We don’t know how to show that we care like others, we’re subtil about it. We might lash out verbally when you get too close and we know how to make it count.
We tend to see ever fricking shade of grey possible between black and white.

So just consider this the next time you meet someone new:

+ what you might see as arrogance, could just be well conceiled fear that shows as confidence.
+ what you might see as cold and distant, could just as well be someone who isn’t used to be touched or huged.
+ when the person you’ve meet doesn’t call you, but smiles and seems happy when you meet them again, could just be the simple fact that they don’t know if you want to meet them again.
+ when they look at you with mild or bewildered curiosity it might just be that they truly don’t understand the feeling behind you’re reaction.
+ sarcams is a very effective defence mechamisn, not just someone who’s trying to be funny.
+ when someone wordlessly walks out on you in the middle of a heated argument or a fight about to happen, doesn’t have to mean they don’t care, it could just be that they are terrified of what might happen. That you might hurt them.
+ when someone doesn’t have the newest or most expencive things just might be because the value other things more and are happy with what they have.
+ when someone doesn’t talk about their problems doesn’t mean they don’t have any, just that you might not have looked enough
+ Sometimes it’s not what someone says, but what they don’t. Pay attention to more than just the words.

thats it, just had to get that of my chest…it kinda derailed and I went a tad off topic…it’s obviously too close too home.
don’t judge me for ranting. and I didn’t mean to offend anyone. Sorry.

If you had this time again

Would you do it all the same?

I wonder?

Oh, would I?….

Of the promises we made

Is there anything you’d change

In the re-runs of our lives?

If I could call you for a day

Just to hear the words you’d say

I would….

All the Colours that you bring

All come rushing back again

All the places that we’ve been

This time…

All the people that you knew

They’ll come running back to you

All the faces that we’ve seen

This life…

And we never took the time

To see where we were going

We were only passing by

And we never questioned why

The river keeps on flowing

The beauty of the ride

If I could call you for a day

Just to hear the words you’d say

I would

The river flows….

The river flows…

Love : Emma Hewitt

Bukan raga kita yang jauh, namun hati yang begitu sulit tuk saling menyentuh

Terkadang kita harus menjauh agar akan ada insan yang bisa sudi menyedari ketiadaan kita

Terkadang kita harus menyepi agar akan ada insan yang bisa digamit rindu dikala hilangnya kita

Terkadang kita jua harus sembunyi agar akan ada insan yang bisa mengerti apa itu pencarian

Terkadang kita jua harus mendingin agar akan ada insan yang bisa memikirkan tentang perasaan kita

Dan

Aku tertanya-tanya

Masih adakah insan yang sudi untuk itu?

Sesungguhnya insan yang paling diharapkan itu adalah diri kau

Adakah kau sudi?

Adakah kau mengerti?

Aku di sini

Di hentian ini

Masih berharap

Semoga ruang itu menjengah ada

Datang menghulurkan suatu kesudian

I will want to fly away.

You keep me tethered since yesterday.

And when all’s fair and lost

I’ll clip my wings

smiling. I know no other way.

Everyone says that love hurts. But that’s not true. Loneliness hurts, rejection hurts, losing someone hurts. Everyone confuses these with love, but in reality love is the only thing in this world that covers up all the pain and makes us feel wonderful again

Love lost is yet another lesson forever learned

Normal people forget people which disappear after a time. But then there are humans which lose others but then they are remembering every day the people which had disappeared and they are thinking of every situation from the past they had & love them still to death. Of the end of Time. .. - Like I do,every single day.

I’m loving who I’ve become. I look at a picture and I realize I am that person that stayed good through all of the bad. Not many can do that. And as long as I hold onto that fact, life will always be good.

And if I can say one thing to my future kids, other than I love you, it would be always love yourself.

Aku berjalan, mencoba menjalani hidup sesuai nilai-nilai kebenaran dan kenyataan yang aku pegang, mematikan pikiran-pikiran pembenaran yang sering terlintas, tidak peduli apa kata mereka katakan walau seisi dunia menghujat tanda tak sepakat;

Aku berlari, berlari mempercepat akselerasi diri, sesekali waktu bahkan mengambil loncatan untuk mendewasakan keyakinan, pemikiran, untuk kemudian terimplementasi melalui tindakan;

Ya menunggu hingga bertemu, karena aku tahu engkau pasti datang dan kita pasti bertemu, aku harap di pertemuan kita nanti akan terlukis senyum lebar di wajah ini, nanti;

Penghujung waktu…

I am forever grateful to you.

I will be forever changed by you.

I will be forever blessed to know you.

I will forever love you.

in every way possible, I adore you. You came along when I was at my lowest, and you picked me up. I’ve fallen in love with you because your heart is made out of gold. You do nothing but make me happy, even when I’m upset, I am still happy. I know I can go to sleep with a smile on my face because of you. This year as being officially yours has made me open my eyes up to how a relationship really works. I really lucked out when it came to you, and I am so thankful you’re with me now. I love you more than words can explain and you’re truly everything I want in life.